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Monday, September 20, 2004

This e-mail sent to my wife by my mother-in-law encapsulates the rhetoric of Presidential candidate John Kerry's campaign:

I am John Kerry.

I was against the first Iraq war, I am against the second Iraq war, butI voted for it. Now I'm against it but I was for it. I support the UN. I'm against terrorism and against the Iraq war. But I voted for the Iraq war. So, I voted against the first war and supported the second war, wait...

I'm against gay marriage but for gay unions. I support gays but think the San Francisco mayor is wrong. I support gay marriages. No, wait, gay unions.

I'm Catholic. Wait, I'm Jewish. My dad was Jewish. But I was raised Catholic. What am I? I don't want to confuse people.

I am for abortions, but wait, I'm Catholic, and Catholics are pro-life. But I might consider putting pro-life judges in office, but I'm not sure. I do know I voted for a pro-life judge, but I stated at the time that it was a mistake.

I went to Vietnam. But I was against Vietnam. I testified against fellow US troops in Vietnam, threw my medals away and led others to do the same. But I am a war hero. Against the war.

I stated I threw my medals away then I threw my ribbons away. I then revealed that I threw my ribbons away but not my medals,then I stated that I threw someone else's medals away and never threw anything of mine away. I believe ribbons and medals aren't the same thing. Medals come with ribbons, so now I believe that ribbons and medals are the same thing besides the fact that ribbons are cloth and medals are metal.

I wrote a book that pictured the US flag upside-down on its cover. But now I fly and campaign in a plane with a large flag right-side up on it.But sometimes, we fly upside-down for fun.

Yasser Arafat is a hero and a statesman. The Israelis shouldn't kill Palestinian terrorists, but they should stop terrorism. Yasser Arafat is a terrorist supporter. I support Mideast peace.

I am for the common man, unlike Bush. I am against the rich. But my family is worth 600 million dollars, own 5 homes, have a jet and many SUVs. I am the common man.

I am against sending jobs overseas. My wife is a Heinz heir, but Heinz has nearly all their factories offshore. I am against rewarding companies for exporting jobs as long as it is not Heinz.

I own $1 million in Wal Mart stock. I believe Wal Mart is evil by driving small business owners out of town. I am a capitalist and I own part of Wal Mart but I am a good guy for small corporate America.

I own SUVs when I talk to my followers in Detroit, MI. When I talk to tree hugging followers, Teresa owns SUVs, I don't. I have a campaign jet that gets 1/3 mpg, which is great fuel efficiency.

I am against making military service an issue in presidential elections. I defended draft dodger Clinton and stated that all serve in their own capacity whether they draft dodge or not. Did I mention, I served in Vietnam and I am a hero? Are you questioning my patriotism? I served in Vietnam. My opponent didn't. I have three purple hearts! And a Silver Star with a Combat "V". I am qualified to run this county since I am a hero and I served in Vietnam.

I am John Kerry.


.: posted by Dave 10:17 AM

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